Breaking: the Democrat Party has finished transitioning from being the party of JFK to being the party of Lee Harvey OswaldParadigm shift in Chromatics: Study shows Indigo (#3F00FF) mixed with Jamaic (#C0FF01) yields Black (#000000)Study: the trouble with wokeism is eventually you run out of victimsStacey Abrams refuses to concede to Harris; declares herself Biden's VPElection 2020: Spunky former presidential candidate wins VP slot by a headChurches in many states to hold services in opened up pubs and barsElection 2020: Xi Jinping still undecided on vice president for Joe BidenMinneapolis launches online looting app to combat Covid-19DNC study finds lockdowns no longer necessary as the economy is now being destroyed more effectively by looters and riotersWith America in lockdown, China offers to host Democrat primaryIn related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe BidenNew York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a jobJoe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling themRussian lawmakers warned that the American Democrats are meddling to re-elect PutinJoe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his ralliesSoleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the boxBREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porchLiz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists insteadSchiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cashCalifornia accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permitBREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th RepublicanRat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoirLatest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on recordClimate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communistDem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparationsBond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack ObamaNYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male SupremacyHURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to BarackTrump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the TrumpthBarack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential! 'Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID lawEnraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respondOfficial: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereofPoll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi PartyMay Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the aboveMidwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the richCancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factorySpecial Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack ObamaThe uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. "Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeachedBernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominatedDemocrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorryAOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generationBernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if electedBREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams MorganDNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem pollsOrwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal FarmStudy: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialistsPoll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across AmericaCNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degreesHarry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high schoolHollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happenProtest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselvesHEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Everyone has secrets that they don't want to share with even their inner-circle. Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and GlasnostObama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeedConservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response? * People's Property notification (known as copyright in the degraded non-socialist economic region of dying capitalism) ~

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